May 5, 2008

Confessions

OK, so maybe I don't want to move. Tonight we had a bon fire in the backyard. You can't do that in Arizona. Ever.
I will miss my friends, I will miss my baby doctor, and mostly, I will miss my mom.
I can't help thinking that my momma needs us more than Matt's momma. After all, my mom will only have two kids in town after this summer, and one of them will be busy being a newlywed.
See? My momma does need us more.

But then I go back to how easy it was for Matt to get this job. Nobody gets a job that easy without divine intervention.
Maybe I should move home, and Matt can go to AZ by himself. I can learn to fly planes and make lots of visits. Especially in the winter.
It's weird, but the older I get, the less I want to be away from my mom. I thought it was supposed to work the other way around? When I was 18, I couldn't wait to get the heck out of town, but that wasn't so much a drive to get away from family as it was a drive to prove I could do life on my own. Now I know better; nobody does life alone. We're not supposed to operate that way.
I know my place is with Matt, I just don't like it when what's right feels wrong in my heart.
Usually I'm the one gunning for change, but I can tell my heart isn't in it because I did not pack one single thing this entire day, and I only have a week left to get it all done.
I'm going to blame it on being so tired from growing a baby, and not on being morose.

If I'm totally honest, I'm also nervous about living so close to Matt's family. They've all been together for ages and have each other figured out. It feels like moving to a new school half way through the year. Matt says this is part his fault because his family doesn't really know who he is, so they have a hard time figuring me out. I think it's just because I'm so weird

I will like some things about moving: Being near Christina, and Di and Steph, fresh citrus, NO FREAKING SNOW, excellent ethnic dining, meeting new people and making new friends, having a real paycheck with an actual salary and being able to do fun things with it on occasion, family babysitters we can trust, fixing up a new house-we've done about all that can be done to this one without major structural changes.
OK, so now that you know how I really feel, what do you think?

3 comments:

melissa said...

I can sympathize somewhat. My folks only have two living children, me and my baby sister who is headed for college at the end of the summer. And I am closer to my mom than I've ever been. Except that I live 800 miles away surrounded by my in-laws, who I don't know as well and am not that close to. But, you do what you gotta do to support your hubby and do what's best for your family, right?

becky said...

Alright, I'm not going to remove this post, because parts of me really feel this way, but let me just say that only the irrational and slightly paranoid parts don't take umbrage. The rest of me is saying that I'm a fool and to get over myself. :)

Christina MC said...

As a newer mother I think it's completely normal and dare I say expected to want to be near your mom. That, or we both got in a different boat from everyone else. I truly believe you can make a happy life anywhere you live because you're a do-er and if Matt's family can love him then they'll have to love you as well because you guys are perfectly matched.