Steaming Pile of Excrement

This will come as no surprise to those who know me, but I've gotten my self into a hot mess.
I blame boredom.
Really, I should stick to knitting, sleeping,  or something equally harmless when I'm all antsy and have nothing else to do.

Yesterday I went to see a hospital based midwife. It's kind of a long story how I got there. I'll try to be brief.

1. Home birth midwife fired me.
2. Family found out, then freaked out.
3. The freak-out lasted for quite a number of days and affected me enough I started to question stuff, like the lie of the baby. (This is where I start to blame boredom. If I'd had something to DO through it all, I probably wouldn't have cared as much.)
4. I knew of exactly ONE hospital based provider I'd trust. Several mama's I know have used her and I've seen her and had enough conversations with her at Birth Circles and the like to feel that she was a reasonable individual. Plus, I needed a prescription, so I made an appointment.
5. Hospital Midwife was NOT pleased that I waited until 38 and a half weeks to seek care.
6. Bottom line: she really, REALLY wants me to birth in hospital. Well, duh. That's kind of the general consensus amongst folks who work in them. *I've* even held that opinion. Look where it got me. Hacked to bits with emotional scarring to boot and several years of intense therapy. That's where.
7. All that expensive fancy EMDR therapy I did makes it so I don't totally loathe and fear hospitals anymore. Now it's more of an icky taste on the back of my tongue. Kind of a "if it's necessary I can choke it down but I'd really rather spit it out" kind of taste. One would think that would make my choice easier, but really it's just made it harder because now I don't know what I want or what I should do.

Hospital Pros There’s a one in three chance I get the midwife I want (part of a practice, she’s not on call every day) IF something happens, I can be cared for quickly Logically the safest place IF people leave me alone	Hospital Cons Continuous Monitoring. I don’t want to be hooked up to a machine the entire time I’m there. The machine that goes ping is over rated. Which nurse you get is kind of a crap shoot. I could end up with someone awesome or someone horrid. I’d rather have more control over my team. I’m on a clock, and must deliver on their schedule. No access to shower/tub for pain relief during labor I have to drive there. In labor. Unless you’ve driven somewhere in extreme discomfort, you can’t know how annoying that is. Emotionally challenging location with baggage. I’m a little scared I can’t do this with people watching me, or at all. Astronomically Expensive.
Home Birth Pros Being in my own environment will likely shorten labor time and definitely reduces the risk of infection for me and baby I don’t need to change locations when things start to get intense Not on a clock I control who is and is not invited in the room Not tied to a monitor/room/bed Can access the shower or tub without anyone else’s say so. Baby never leaves my arms. No need to fight off interventions for baby. Cheap.	Home Birth Cons IF something goes south, it would take a while to get help. IF the southbound train is a complete rupture, baby and I are pretty much both dead. I’m in charge of the clean up. No chance of help from an official midwife I’m a little scared I can’t do this on my own, or at all

There are probably plenty of things wrong with me, and even with my brain. At least one of them isn't a brain-eating amoeba.