Oct 16, 2012


You guys, I can't catch a break! CJ has been non-stop sick and this week the whole family (except Hubs, knock on wood) caught a stomach bug. Sheesh! Zero time to research.
Hope everyone is doing ok. I'm still loving the barefoot time but today I've had zero outside time, thanks to all the puking and I'm missing it.

Sep 1, 2012

I'm Baa-aack

My sister pointed out it's been a month since I wrote anything here. This is partly because I have nothing to report and partly because I have no time to report it. How can those two reasons coexist, you ask?
I have no idea. But I think it happened when we added the third kid.

Also, I've spent absolutely all my free time researching poultry and sheep because Husband Man has decided that we need a farm. You know, the kind with animals on it.
I agree; It's insane.
But I'm permanently yoked to this man so I might as well participate in his delusions of farming grandeur. It's the wifely thing to do in these types of circumstances, I'm given to understand.

I wish I had more to report, but hopefully that glimpse of insanity is enough to tickle your funny bone for today, at least.

PS The idea of sheep farming kind of revs my tractor engine, to be honest. Could be fun. And if it's not, I really like mutton.

Jul 10, 2012

Spreadable Butter

We are real butter people over here.
Here's why.
Once I accidentally let the spreadable stuff that comes in a tub get a little melty and then I put it back in the fridge.
Holy icky white gel stuff separated that was COMPLETELY inedible. I'm fairly certain it wasn't even food, there in my food. Like, ew.
That, in conjunction with not being able to pronounce half the ingredients made us real butter people.
Here's the thing though; I like it spreadable. Kinda not possible when you keep the yellow yumminess in the fridge.
Until now.

Behold. Spreadable Butter. Real Ingredients.

2 sticks SUPER cold butter
beat the living daylights out of that stuff until its light and creamy (not long)
slowly beat in 2/3 cup cold oil of your choice (I use olive)
beat until incorporated and then refidgerate

Voila! Spreadable butter straight from the fridge and full of totally pronounceable ingredients. You're welcome. :D

Jun 28, 2012


Finished packing the house today and got it mostly cleaned. Will finish up tomorrow. Decided to wait until Friday to pull up stakes. It seems like a good idea to give myself a day to get ready to travel before we take on a two day journey.

I'm going to be...zzzz

Jun 20, 2012


We have exciting news! IdahoBecky, et al are relocating BACK to Idaho! We decided two weeks ago to put our house up for sale. Three showings later, we accepted an offer and the house is currently in escrow. Husband and I are frantically packing boxes in our spare time. So pretty much nothing has been packed. And oh, we move on the 29th. Or maybe the 30th. Or possibly the 1st. At any rate, we will be out of here by the 17th, which is when escrow closes.

We will be in Idaho for roughly three months. After that, we really don't know where we are going. Seattle has been on the radar, as has Denver. And Texas, as always, is both appealing and terrifying. If I'm going to be hot, I may as well have the benefit of living near family, right? Which is why we haven't moved to Texas sooner. All Husband's family is in Arizona. We've also been contemplating Flagstaff or Payson. I know. Totally glamorous options. We would love to live in Carson Valley but for some reason, Nevada is not one of the places we feel good about living.

All we know for sure is that this is not the neighborhood in which we want to raise our family.
Land. The freedom to roam. Neighbors far enough away they can't be bothered to report you to CPS. These are all on my wishlist. :D

So that's the IdahoBecky Status Update.

CJ is just AMAZING. She's discovered rolling as a form of transportation. Along with that discovery, she found that rolling plus gravity equals floor so she's been banned from sole occupancy of the parental bed.

We taught CJ the sign for milk which we are using as our sign for nursing. So now she signs "milk" to me while she nurses. This opens a whole new world of possibilities. We could have entire conversations while she eats and before she can talk. That's kinda cool. It's also going to cut down on my reading time.

Her eyes are changing color, but nobody seems able to determine what that color is. I hesitate to say they are non-descript, it's more that there aren't the right words to describe them. I remember the other kids' eyes doing this as well, though not to the same extent. I'm still holding out for violet. She would be absolutely stunning with violet eyes. And you better believe I would change her name to Violet so as to draw attention to them. At the very least, I would change it on the blog. ;)

May 30, 2012

Random Husband Update

It seems all I have time for anymore are the random posts. I don't know why. Oh yeah, I have kids. Other mommy bloggers do it, but I'm guessing they have the kind of kids with off switches. Or nannies. Or have magic fairy dust and unicorns that jab the kids in the eye if they misbehave. Or are just better mother's or something.
My children are completely ridiculous and incredibly time consuming. Let's move on.

Husband got head hunted. This is because he's amazing. No, seriously. In a national skills test, the man placed in the 90th percentile. I'm sure you all remember how a bell curve works, but just in case you've forgotten, the people at the right side of it grow exponentially more rare as you move away from the center. So 90th percentile? Pretty darn rare. And smart. Like Husband. The job had some sweet perks and a 15% raise and he'd have his own team to boss around.
He said no.

I KNOW! After the junk Mid Sized Company TM management has pulled the last however long he's been there. Clearly, Mid Sized Company, TM accounting/management has no freaking clue how lucky they are to have my gifted husband. Good thing I DO know how lucky I am. Pretty.Dang.Lucky. I know that Husband has yet to interview for a job he wasn't offered. (People don't get fired because their spouse talks smack on an anonymous blog, do they? Because if they did, and he knew, he'd kill me. Or at least sigh and shake his head with disappointment which is pretty much all the censure I get over here. {Hello. Perfect husband?})

So, it's kinda late. I'm gonna go to bed before I get into any more trouble on the internet. Nighty Night!

Apr 27, 2012

Mommy Olympics: Training for the Shower Event

This morning I succeeded in completing a training session for the Shower Event of the Mommy Olympics. Let me tell you, even though nobody rewards Mommy Olympians, I earned a Gold Medal...and possibly a nap. Here's how it went down:

4am Child 3 wakes up, nurses and gets clean britches and goes back down.
5am, 6am,6:30am, repeat 4am routine minus the diaper change.
6:30, 1 and 2 wake up and climb into bed with mommy and daddy. This is when the real training begins.
6:40 make oatmeal for the family, bolt my bowl so that I can maybe sneak away while the kids finish and 3 is still happy, for a five minute shower.
6:50, put bowl in the sink, stand up to walk to bathroom. Cue fussing baby.
6:50-7:30 put baby back to sleep, stand up to walk into the bathroom
7:31 1 and 2 start to fight. Loudly.
7:31:10 3 wakes up (because who can sleep through World War III?).
7:32 give up on the binky being enough to put 3 back to sleep, lay down and nurse yet again
7:45 3 is down, I stand up to walk into the bathroom, 2 slams a door--repeatedly, 3 wakes up screaming bloody murder
7:58 lay back down with 3
8:25 give up on baby sleeping
8:27 3 falls asleep while I walk around with her in my arms, picking up the battle field from 7:31
8:30 put 3 down and crawl to the bathroom in hopes that sneaking there on a different plane would lead to different results
8:31 I managed to get my nightie off before 1 starts banging on my bedroom door. Loudly. Which leads to
8:32 3 waking up, more irate than ever. I kinda get how she feels.
8:34 lay back down with baby.
9:00 start once again for the bathroom at which time 1 and 2 start banging on the wall that separates the toy room and my bedroom where, you guessed it, 3 is attempting to complete her morning nap
9:00:20 a brilliant idea occurs to me. I'll get the egg timer, the children, and some story books and put them on the couches (one per child) set the egg timer for 5 minutes and FORBID anyone from making a peep or moving until the timer goes off.
9:01 hunt for timer
9:02 give up looking for timer. It's not where I've left it, therefore I've been kiddified.
9:03 send 1 and 2 to their room. Lock the door from the outside. Take shower. Shave BOTH legs.


Apr 18, 2012

CPS Visits and Other Family Fun

I am living my worst nightmare.
Today CPS came to my house and opened a file on my family.
For neglect.
I'm not even joking.
Are these people for REAL?!?!?

Apparently one of my neighbors doesn't think I should let my children play outside.
Basically, the CPS lady said it's OK for The Boy to be outside if he's going from our home to another home, but it is NOT ok for my kids to just play in the driveway and especially not ok for Zsa to be out there at all.

I don't know about you, but I find children that are hovered over have no real chance to exercise their imaginations and get truly involved in make-believe. The only other outdoor space we have is encased in 7 foot cinder-block walls. How is that at ALL appealing for anyone's imaginative play? Also, just because it APPEARS that I'm not watching, doesn't mean I'm not watching.

Why wouldn't whoever reported me just come TALK to me first? Maybe get an understanding of my parenting philosophy and THEN make a judgement call as to whether CPS was justified.

I am a stellar mother. My children have clean clothes to wear, a safe place to sleep, and healthy food to eat. I read to them daily, provide educational and age-appropriate toys, take them to music and swim classes and teach them about Jesus. I don't beat them, emotionally abuse them or allow them to be with people I don't fully trust. We provide a stable and loving environment in which boundaries are set and enforced and everyone's teeth get brushed. I'm June Cleaver but with a clue and some common sense.

I am ticked off and terrified all at the same time. Everything I am right now is tied to my role as Mother. My extra curricular activities consist of birth circle and babywearing meetings. I cloth diaper, for crap's sake! If that's not the sign of a devoted mother, I don't know what is. And today, someone came into my home, sat on my couch, and said I wasn't any good at this calling I've devoted my life to for the last five years. The essence of who I am right now has been attacked and I'm angry as hell. Even though I KNOW I'm a good mom, a tiny voice in the back of my brain is saying, "what if they're right? What if I'm doing it wrong?" Darn you, neighbor. Darn you, CPS. Go rescue some kids who actually need it.

What do I do? What would you do? In family court, you are guilty until proven innocent. So as far as CPS and the state of Arizona are concerned, I'm a neglectful parent.

Apr 17, 2012

Alcoholic Tax Deductions and Other Random Thoughts

1. Do you think I could claim a fifth of vodka as a medical expense in my itemized deductions? You see, I found out that I can take one of my placenta pills and turn it into a homeopathic mother tincture from which other tinctures can be made but a full half of the ingredient volume in tinctures is high proof alcohol. The other half is water. I'm pretty sure I can't claim water as a tax deduction. I know half alcohol and half water sounds like there's no room for the actual medicinal ingredient but it's a homeopathic remedy. The whole premise of homeopathy makes no sense.

2. Not loving the new blogger "look". It may be time to take my creative writing over to a seriousblogging site. Like wordpress or one of those other sites for liberal hacks.

3. Now on to the good stuff. CJ. Today I put her in a pink and white thick striped onsie. She looks EXACTLY like a personified version of A.A. Milne's Piglet, which is fitting, considering the last two days all she's done is hog my boobs. Seriously. What if someone else wanted a turn?

4. The Boy is starting to feel neglected. Every time I sit down to feed the baby, he sidles up to me with sad, puppy dog eyes and says he needs some snuggle time. So I hold my baby in one arm, a big boy in the other, and generally do so while Zsa crawls up onto my back. Heaven help me if we have another kid. Every square inch of me is already occupied, as you can see.

5. Speaking of Zsa, this is her latest, "10,8,11,6! THAT'S how we spell APPLE!" Seriously, is that not the cutest thing ever?

6. I signed The Boy up for online school starting in the fall. In the end, I decided I'm just too lazy to train the swearing out of him that he'd pick up in kindergarten so I'm avoiding it all together by schooling him at home. Hopefully before he starts I'll learn how to spell kindergarten without spell check. Ferills.

7. Erin, you may know this, but your blog went private. What you may NOT know is that it's KILLING me not to see the cuteness that is Carolyn on a weekly basis. I may have to break down and actually order your book so I can get another dose of your writing. Do you hear me? WITHDRAWALS!

(feel free to add me to the people who can read it, m'kay?)

Mar 29, 2012

Things Zsa Zsa Says

The other day, CJ was in her buzzy seat while the bathroom was undergoing detoxification. She started to fuss. Not wanting to interrupt the procedure unnecessarily, the parental unit in charge of said HAZMAT cleanup asked Zsa to talk to CJ for just a moment. This is frequently a employed tactic to get 60 more seconds of SOMETHING done.
Obligingly, Zsa wandered over and said, "Hi Clara Jane Swain. I'm Zsa Zsa. I have dollies." Cutest thing EVER.

Grandpa gave the kids memorial coins for Arizona's Centennial. Zsa calls it her big BIG penny. She calls quarters and silver dollars big pennies, as well.

Going into the store today she said, "Mommy, my shadow is coming, too!"

Mar 18, 2012

What Do You Mean, "It's Been a Month"?

My goodness. Are you all feeling ignored? I've been truly horrid at updates of late. Partly because I'm stymied by the picture aspect. I need to add text to some pictures and I just haven't had two minutes to do so and the desire to attempt it occurring in the same part of space and time. Also, husband keeps hogging my laptop. Oh, and I can't justify the time to blog when I'm failing at my primary rolls of mother and wife.

Lucky for you, the cosmos have conspired to align and give me time to jot a few things down today.

1. CJ is in the 90th and 95th percentiles for weight and height. She's never had a drop of formula so, go boobies!

2. Placenta pills have an aftertaste and should only be taken at bed time. It's not that the aftertaste is unpleasant, exactly. It's just that I know that's what it is and I've had enough problems with the thought of taking the stupid things that an aftertaste is kind of a deal breaker. Nobody can deny these puppies work, though. Zero post partum depression, zero issues with milk supply. That's not something I've been able to say before.

3. This was my first week back in the gym. Muscle memory ROCKS. I'm already starting to get the definition back in my shoulders, arms, and butt. The abdominal area is another story entirely. It's complaining rather loudly that it doesn't know how to do very basic things. I tell it to shut up and grow a pair, and it yells back about nerve damage, blah blah. Then I tune it out and MAKE it do a sit up anyway. I NEED my core if I'm ever going to bench press more than 60 pounds.

4. The Boy has figured out how to ride his bike, thank goodness. Now he has something other than TV he loves. Also, now we can put him on bike, the girls in a stroller and roller blades on our feet and get an actual workout as a family. :D He's pretty speedy.

5. An old guy stopped me at Costco to ask if I had my baby strapped on with a curtain. Pretty much made my day. I love how wearing my babies in wraps seems to completely confound a whole subset of the population. Confounding people, in general, makes me giddy.

6. Cloth diapering is AMAZING. Honestly, it seemed rather overwhelming and kinda gross but it's FUN. I get sad on days I don't I get to wash and hang the diapers. Every three days I'm EXTRA happy because I get to make clean diapers!

7. I finished some coordinating skirts for my girls. Without patterns. Or knowing how to sew. When I get them both in the skirts at the same time, I'll take a picture. Can't promise it will make it's way on to the blog, though. You'll just have to take my word for it that they're super cute.

8. Now CJ, who has been eating pretty much since the crack of dawn and JUST gave me a break, is saying she needs more booby time. Growth spurt, anyone?

Feb 19, 2012

The Birth of CJ in Pictures, Part 3

Words fail me. I can not express to you how much being able to hold my daughter immediately  meant and continues to mean to me. Having been denied that most fundamental experience with Zsa Zsa for no reason other than policy, keeping CJ with me from her very first moments has been all the more sweet. It is my hope that all mamas having cesareans be allowed to experience birth this way. I feel this, in conjunction with CJ picking her birthday, led to her being a better nursling. 

The Birth of CJ in Pictures, Part 2

WARNING: Some of these pictures are graphic, and most of them are bloody. If you'd like to skip to part 3 with the non-bloody pictures, go here

For the story of CJ's Birth go here.

For the first part of the Story in Pictures, go here.

These are still kinda tough for me to view. I'm glad I have them to anchor me in the moment when I start to think it was worse than it was, but it's still pretty hard to see. The whole event was so monumentally life changing, seeing pictorial proof is a tad overwhelming.

Feb 18, 2012

The Birth of CJ in Pictures, Part 1

You have no idea how badly I wish I'd done my hair this day. Or worn something NOT pajama-y. And I wish I'd brought my own, flattering hospital gown. 
Ah well. 
This is real life, not a TV episode. 

For the story, go here

Jan 31, 2012

Big Imagination

Our kitchen light switch has a flip-down cover and a bunch of extra buttons to program the light.
Zsa Zsa had the flap down and was pressing lots of buttons. This concerned The Boy. He tried to get her to stop, and when she wouldn't, he went to a higher authority.

"DAD! Do those buttons make the house explode?!?"

Jan 24, 2012


Today was a day of firsts.

The first time I've been left alone with all three --yes THREE!-- of my children. (Everyone is still alive)
The first day since CJ and I came home that I've taken a walk (Half mile in 2o minutes less than three weeks after her crazy birth. I count that a success even though I'm used to going a mile or two in that amount of time.)
And today is the first day I've done anything in the kitchen more involved than oatmeal since I've had three kids. (Six loaves of banana bread. It's really not more difficult than one loaf, and you can give away more.)

I'm exhausted! We looked it up and it'll take roughly 90-120 days to build my blood back up to pre-hemorrhage levels. I think until then, it's a good excuse to nap.

Jan 21, 2012

Things I Miss (and Don't) About Pregnancy

Things I will miss about pregnancy:

  • stretchy waist bands
  • sleeping more than two hours at a time
  • not having night sweats 
  • the baby kicking (CJ never was much of a kicker, and I kind of missed this even while pregnant) 
  • eating whatever I darn well pleased (as long as it didn't contain nitrates or raw egg)
  • the built in excuse for not running
  • non-leaky boobs
  • 2nd trimester "couple time" Laws but it's amazing. Almost a reason to get pregnant again, right there
Things I will NOT miss about pregnancy:

  • peeing every five seconds
  • having to pee right after having peed (as in, haven't even washed my hands yet)
  • waddling
  • heartburn
  • people asking me retarded questions (to be fair, this hasn't really stopped because the world in general refuses to quit being idiotic but at least the lame questions aren't all pregnancy related. I do find myself saying quite often "my baby is a GIRL" even when she's in pink frills and has a bow)
What about you? Anything you miss or don't miss about being pregnant?

Jan 20, 2012

The Week After

This blog is meant, in part, to journal for my family. (It's also supposed to be informative, amusing and bombastic in turns but today it's a journal.) So here's what happened after the very dramatic entrance of CJ.

We stayed in the hospital for the better part of a week. My older kids got passed around quite a bit so Husband could work and save his paid time off for when I'd REALLY need help.

The recovery has been wickedly hard. Harder than an surgery I've had. I'm sure the two liters of blood loss didn't help. (Yes, two liters like a 2L soda pop bottle, two liters. It's a lot.)

We were ready to go home by Sunday afternoon, though. CJ had already regained her birth weight, or come awfully close, I can't remember now. That night we went to family dinner like usual, only this time, there were FIVE of us!

When we got home I noticed CJ's eye was pretty swollen. We called the nurse hotline and decided to watch it. At the 3am feed n' diaper change, it had gotten red and was leaking goopy goo.

Monday morning Husband dropped CJ and I at the doctors without an appointment (something they don't really love but what were they going to do?) and then he took the older kids to his sister-in-law's house for the day.
The doctor was pretty concerned, what with her only being 5 days old and all. He gave us a prescription and told us to come back that afternoon to have it looked at again.

So we went to Costco Pharmacy. I should have waited in the car but instead I wandered around the store with my new baby. When we went back to the doctor, he didn't think her eye was enough improved to watch at home over night so he sent us the children's hospital were CJ was admitted to the NICU for monitoring and IV antibiotics. She got two kinds of IV antibiotics and a topical antibiotic every few hours. The fear was that her eye would turn from periorbital cellulitis into orbital cellulitis or meningitis. We spent two days in NICU (which ended up being overkill of epic proportions) before FINALLY coming home.

My mom had arrived while I was annoying the NICU nurses with requests for discharge papers. She stayed a week and it was LOVELY. I laid around and slept and didn't do my hair and the dishes and laundry still got done and my children were clean and fed and played with. My mom is a marvel and we were so blessed to have her here.

Mom wasn't gone TWO DAYS before The Boy decided that he'd get himself into some powered cement. Now I don't know if you know this about powdered cement, but you really shouldn't put it in your eyes. The Boy wasn't aware of this, or even that it WAS powdered cement. He thought it was sand. Not that you should throw sand either, but my kids still haven't learned that lesson. Two showers and lots of screaming later, his eyes still looked horrid so we called poison control. Yeah. They weren't super thrilled with my kid, either.

After much discussion, we loaded The Boy and my nursling into Kate the Van and I drove to Phoenix Children's ER for evaluation. They washed his eyes out yet again, dyed them a funky orange color and diagnosed him with corneal scratches. Just that took over three hours. Yippee. The Boy was NOT thrilled with the process, even though he got an otter pop and a new toy car out of the deal. I just got another trip to Costco Pharmacy. Frankly, I'm super glad the lye in the cement didn't burn or permanently damage his eyes. Scratches on the cornea we can deal with.

That pretty much catches us up to now. I think everyone is healing or healed. It'll take a few months for me to build back my blood and feel 100%.

CJ has gained one pound one ounce and between one and three inches, depending on whose measurements you believe, since her birth.

I've lost probably close to 30 pounds since the birth and that, my friend, is reason enough for celebration. So I'm going to go break out the chocolate peanut butter ice cream and celebrate.

Jan 14, 2012

Cute Kid Stuff

I've been collecting things my kids say that are adorable. It's time to put them here before the kids erase them from my phone. :)

The Boy:

I know a great recipe for mud.  Dirt and water.  I know how to make salty mud, too! Dirt, salt, and water.

Mom, I want to play a board game. Why? Because I'm bored!

With my new bike I can totally win first place in the slow motion bike race!

Zsa Zsa:

I say Zsa Zsa in Dutch. Zsa Zsa in Dutch. I DID it! 

I was reading the Ensign (church magazine). Zsa comes up and says, "That's Jesus! Does he say, 'behold'?"

I think the baby is gonna pop out and do a funny dance like this!  (funny dance commences complete with jazz hands)

Aunt Nancy asked Zsa what our new baby's name would be. She paused and seriously considered before stating, Sleeping Beauty. 


Smiled while she was awake. :D 

Jan 8, 2012

God Knows Our Every Desire

I am amazed at the love of God for each of his children, but I am particularly amazed today at His love for me. Amazed He cares enough about my heart to carefully orchestrate the perfect set of circumstances wherein I have a healthy baby and a healing birth; despite the fact that, once again, the baby came into the world via surgery. I hadn't known it was possible to have a healing birth via cesarean but I shouldn't be surprised. All things are possible with God.

Before we decided to have a third child, Husband and I prayed and prayed and prayed. We prayed for a normal birth. We prayed for a healthy baby. We prayed to know when the right time to have a baby would be and then we prayed some more. We both felt that a home birth would be the wisest course. So many people were very worried we'd made a bad choice. They were concerned for my safety and that of our baby. We understood their fears but chose not to let it affect our choices and I am so glad we trusted God to take care of us. Not only did He allow us a healthy baby, but He also allowed me the space and time I needed to heal from my previous experiences.

Emotional wounds don't scab over and heal in 10-14 days like skin. They stay raw-- sometimes for years. Even with the liberal application of therapy, an event or comment or something I read could re-open the slice in my heart. The Physician of my soul understands this and He understood how best to heal it.

My soul was in tatters after the birth of my first daughter. Words can't explain how I checked out from life for the first six months of hers. I have no pictures from that time in her life. My husband had a mighty work ahead of him helping me pick up the pieces and move on. Those six months were the reason it took me so long to talk him into having another child. He didn't want to lose me to that dark place again. He needed the assurance from God that this time would be better.

With Heavenly clearance at every turn, we made our plans. We found a midwife for my peace of mind, even though Husband felt from the start an unassisted birth would be fine. I sought intensive therapy to make sure a mental roadblock from Zsa Zsa's birth wouldn't derail this birth. All along I knew that the birth wouldn't go exactly according to plan, but I didn't know what that bit would be. I thought when the midwife fired me that might be it but when I felt that first little gush of blood, I knew we wouldn't have the baby at home.

I labored off and on for 30 hours. Sometimes I would bleed too much for me to be comfortable with and labor would slow down and so would the bleeding. We checked baby's heart tones often to make sure they were sounding great. The entire time I had a feeling of being watched over but also of expectation. Like the Lord was waiting for me to realize it was time to know I'd done all I could do to attempt delivery. To know in my heart that I'd done my part and now the safety of our baby was more important.

On the afternoon of the 3rd, I went to acupuncture to see if we couldn't get things moving along and over with. I was exhausted. Husband was tired. After my treatment, I stood up and gushed blood. That was when my heart sank and also when I felt peace with the idea of going to the hospital. I knew in the very depths of my soul God was watching and that everything would be OK. I felt as though my mission was over. On the drive home the bleeding seemed to stop, but once we were home, it started up again with a vengeance. I filled a Depends brand disposable undergarment every two contractions. Husband gave me another blessing and the bleeding stopped on our 20 minute drive to the hospital. The whole way there he was having such a hard time coming to grips with our God-approved plan being tossed out the window. I was holding out hope that upon arrival I'd be a complete and they'd let me deliver my baby vaginally but I felt such peace with any outcome the method of delivery was no longer important.

Checking in took forever. ER triage, on to registration, and then OB triage. Time started to drag and I began to feel faint.

Our triage nurse was an angel. I don’t remember exactly what happened or the order of things. I know I lost time because it seems like it wasn’t very long from when we checked in to when our baby was born, but in reality it was hours. They took some blood and did an ultrasound. I remember the contractions got significantly more painful. Because the baby was looking awesome on the monitors and the ultrasound came back clean, our nurse didn’t call the backup doc (Dr V), she waited for the on call doc (Dr A) to come in because she knew we didn’t like the backup doctor. This was yet another miracle. We hadn’t ever met Dr A but I talked to her on the phone before we went to the hospital. She seemed so calm and not the type to jump into the OR just because she liked surgery.  Dr V had made it abundantly clear she thought I was an idiot for even wanting a trial of labor and vaginal birth. She was the reason we’d decided not to go back to the doctor or to the hospital for this delivery. Being cared for by Dr A was just more proof God was in control of the situation. If we’d come in the previous day, Dr V would have been our doctor, regardless.

When Dr A arrived, she was so calm and patient. Her exam produced cups of blood (yes, cups). She listened to our concerns. She explained hers and we agreed to the surgery.  At the time I thought it was the anxiety of the inevitable surgery that caused my pain to increase so dramatically at this point but looking back, I think this is when the placenta really started to separate from the uterus. God had allowed me the space and time I needed to be mentally OK with another surgical birth, and now that I was in a safe place and the decision had been made, the situation devolved rather quickly.
We had enough time to visit with the nursery staff and the anesthesiologist before they took me back to surgery.

In surgery the anesthetist started the spinal. I was so thankful for it because I was really ready to be done with the pain. I was shaking so much at that point I had a very hard time holding still while the spinal was placed.

Husband and a good friend were then let into the room. I’m sure the surgery itself was the same as any cesarean except before Dr A had even gotten to the baby she said, “OK. I know what’s causing the bleeding. You have quite a few clots in here. Your placenta has started to abrupt.” Later on, she said a quarter of the placenta had separated from the uterus and I’d made the right choice to have the surgery.

As soon as Dr A pulled baby out, she held her up and Husband announced we had a GIRL! Oh, were we shocked! All this time I had known it was boy. I just KNEW.
Right away they brought her around and laid her on my chest, per our request. The nursery nurses aren’t used to that, and I could tell one of them in particular was a little put out that I’d made her job deviate from the norm.

Words cannot describe the joy of being the first to meet your own baby. Of course other people touched her on her way to me, but that doesn’t matter. I got to discover the little crinkly fold in her right ear. I got to discover that her eyebrows are different shapes and her hair and eyes are dark. I claimed her from her very first moments and it has made all the difference in our first week together.  

Her newborn assessment was done on my chest while Dr A finished making sure I wasn’t going to bleed to death and put me back together. Baby girl stayed with me on our ride to the recovery room. She stayed with me every minute of my six days in the hospital and every minute was beautiful.

I won’t be going to that dark place that swallowed me after my second surgical birth. There’s no need. I was respected as a person of worth and my daughter was treated as an individual with needs that were also to be respected.  I wish I could explain why that matters so much. Maybe it’s because of the heightened hormonal state that surrounds birth or maybe it’s something else all together. All I know is, being treated like a human being with feelings and a mind of my own was a very nice change.

I am so thankful to my Heavenly Father for creating a situation which resulted in a healthy baby. I am grateful to know He cares for me so much that not only are my physical needs met, but my emotional ones, as well. I am thankful that the right people were in the right place at the right time. And I am thankful for the prayers and fasting offered in my family’s behalf over the last few months. My heart is so full and my cup is certainly running over. 
For the story in pictures, go here
For the reason this birth meant so much and was so healing, see this post
NOTE: The placental abruption had absolutely nothing to do with the previous cesareans or the fact that I labored at home. It's just a random RARE complication of pregnancy. 

Jan 1, 2012

My Head

Is not in a good place.

I cussed inside it all through church today. I'm pretty sure that means I'm going directly to hell. I may have also cursed out loud in the presence of small children that did not belong to me. At church. (that's so a one-way ticket south)

Clearly, I'm losing it.

You see, ever since we learned about when Baby would arrive, I've had on my calendar that January 1 was his/her birthday. I woke up pregnant on January 1 AFTER having been up in the night THREE TIMES with contractions strong enough to wake me. THREE TIMES! What the hell, baby? What the hell?!?! (in for a penny in for a pound, right?)

On top of that, a quick check showed that all that hard work I did last night changed nothing in the general area of the baby exit. Oh for the love of chocolate. I give up! I will still be pregnant tomorrow, and next week and at the second coming of Christ. And maybe I'm to the point that I just don't give a rat's ass.
Pregnancy is a great excuse to eat other people's food, get your feet rubbed and take as many naps as you like. I'm gonna go lay down now. Trying to get sent to hell is exhausting.