Apr 27, 2012

Mommy Olympics: Training for the Shower Event

This morning I succeeded in completing a training session for the Shower Event of the Mommy Olympics. Let me tell you, even though nobody rewards Mommy Olympians, I earned a Gold Medal...and possibly a nap. Here's how it went down:

4am Child 3 wakes up, nurses and gets clean britches and goes back down.
5am, 6am,6:30am, repeat 4am routine minus the diaper change.
6:30, 1 and 2 wake up and climb into bed with mommy and daddy. This is when the real training begins.
6:40 make oatmeal for the family, bolt my bowl so that I can maybe sneak away while the kids finish and 3 is still happy, for a five minute shower.
6:50, put bowl in the sink, stand up to walk to bathroom. Cue fussing baby.
6:50-7:30 put baby back to sleep, stand up to walk into the bathroom
7:31 1 and 2 start to fight. Loudly.
7:31:10 3 wakes up (because who can sleep through World War III?).
7:32 give up on the binky being enough to put 3 back to sleep, lay down and nurse yet again
7:45 3 is down, I stand up to walk into the bathroom, 2 slams a door--repeatedly, 3 wakes up screaming bloody murder
7:58 lay back down with 3
8:25 give up on baby sleeping
8:27 3 falls asleep while I walk around with her in my arms, picking up the battle field from 7:31
8:30 put 3 down and crawl to the bathroom in hopes that sneaking there on a different plane would lead to different results
8:31 I managed to get my nightie off before 1 starts banging on my bedroom door. Loudly. Which leads to
8:32 3 waking up, more irate than ever. I kinda get how she feels.
8:34 lay back down with baby.
9:00 start once again for the bathroom at which time 1 and 2 start banging on the wall that separates the toy room and my bedroom where, you guessed it, 3 is attempting to complete her morning nap
9:00:20 a brilliant idea occurs to me. I'll get the egg timer, the children, and some story books and put them on the couches (one per child) set the egg timer for 5 minutes and FORBID anyone from making a peep or moving until the timer goes off.
9:01 hunt for timer
9:02 give up looking for timer. It's not where I've left it, therefore I've been kiddified.
9:03 send 1 and 2 to their room. Lock the door from the outside. Take shower. Shave BOTH legs.


Apr 18, 2012

CPS Visits and Other Family Fun

I am living my worst nightmare.
Today CPS came to my house and opened a file on my family.
For neglect.
I'm not even joking.
Are these people for REAL?!?!?

Apparently one of my neighbors doesn't think I should let my children play outside.
Basically, the CPS lady said it's OK for The Boy to be outside if he's going from our home to another home, but it is NOT ok for my kids to just play in the driveway and especially not ok for Zsa to be out there at all.

I don't know about you, but I find children that are hovered over have no real chance to exercise their imaginations and get truly involved in make-believe. The only other outdoor space we have is encased in 7 foot cinder-block walls. How is that at ALL appealing for anyone's imaginative play? Also, just because it APPEARS that I'm not watching, doesn't mean I'm not watching.

Why wouldn't whoever reported me just come TALK to me first? Maybe get an understanding of my parenting philosophy and THEN make a judgement call as to whether CPS was justified.

I am a stellar mother. My children have clean clothes to wear, a safe place to sleep, and healthy food to eat. I read to them daily, provide educational and age-appropriate toys, take them to music and swim classes and teach them about Jesus. I don't beat them, emotionally abuse them or allow them to be with people I don't fully trust. We provide a stable and loving environment in which boundaries are set and enforced and everyone's teeth get brushed. I'm June Cleaver but with a clue and some common sense.

I am ticked off and terrified all at the same time. Everything I am right now is tied to my role as Mother. My extra curricular activities consist of birth circle and babywearing meetings. I cloth diaper, for crap's sake! If that's not the sign of a devoted mother, I don't know what is. And today, someone came into my home, sat on my couch, and said I wasn't any good at this calling I've devoted my life to for the last five years. The essence of who I am right now has been attacked and I'm angry as hell. Even though I KNOW I'm a good mom, a tiny voice in the back of my brain is saying, "what if they're right? What if I'm doing it wrong?" Darn you, neighbor. Darn you, CPS. Go rescue some kids who actually need it.

What do I do? What would you do? In family court, you are guilty until proven innocent. So as far as CPS and the state of Arizona are concerned, I'm a neglectful parent.

Apr 17, 2012

Alcoholic Tax Deductions and Other Random Thoughts

1. Do you think I could claim a fifth of vodka as a medical expense in my itemized deductions? You see, I found out that I can take one of my placenta pills and turn it into a homeopathic mother tincture from which other tinctures can be made but a full half of the ingredient volume in tinctures is high proof alcohol. The other half is water. I'm pretty sure I can't claim water as a tax deduction. I know half alcohol and half water sounds like there's no room for the actual medicinal ingredient but it's a homeopathic remedy. The whole premise of homeopathy makes no sense.

2. Not loving the new blogger "look". It may be time to take my creative writing over to a seriousblogging site. Like wordpress or one of those other sites for liberal hacks.

3. Now on to the good stuff. CJ. Today I put her in a pink and white thick striped onsie. She looks EXACTLY like a personified version of A.A. Milne's Piglet, which is fitting, considering the last two days all she's done is hog my boobs. Seriously. What if someone else wanted a turn?

4. The Boy is starting to feel neglected. Every time I sit down to feed the baby, he sidles up to me with sad, puppy dog eyes and says he needs some snuggle time. So I hold my baby in one arm, a big boy in the other, and generally do so while Zsa crawls up onto my back. Heaven help me if we have another kid. Every square inch of me is already occupied, as you can see.

5. Speaking of Zsa, this is her latest, "10,8,11,6! THAT'S how we spell APPLE!" Seriously, is that not the cutest thing ever?

6. I signed The Boy up for online school starting in the fall. In the end, I decided I'm just too lazy to train the swearing out of him that he'd pick up in kindergarten so I'm avoiding it all together by schooling him at home. Hopefully before he starts I'll learn how to spell kindergarten without spell check. Ferills.

7. Erin, you may know this, but your blog went private. What you may NOT know is that it's KILLING me not to see the cuteness that is Carolyn on a weekly basis. I may have to break down and actually order your book so I can get another dose of your writing. Do you hear me? WITHDRAWALS!

(feel free to add me to the people who can read it, m'kay?)